Wednesday, May 9, 2007

May 9, 1962

So this is the day; one of two all year that I suspect will always bring sadness. Beth Ann would have been 45 today. Its the third birthday I've not been able to celebrate with her, no where to deliver the gifts I've imagined she would like, all the things I've come across over the year that she would have loved.

Its all the damn counting, you know? She was sick for this many years, she's been gone for this long, she's missed this many holidays, x many of her children's important events. How many of my birthdays without her greetings... I think we're given to making these accounts but doing so brings all the sadness so sharply into focus---it must certainly be something of an improvement when the numbers become too unwieldy to keep up with. My MIL actually summed it up better than anyone else has: you get used to the loss. Its still there, it still hurts, its just a very familiar thing -- you learn to accomodate the loss and its sadness, its part of what you do : you miss them, you long for their company and voice, you either find someone else to share those particularly special things with or you just go without them... but at some point, you stop counting the occassions going by without them.

I know that for me, the world was a big place where I had two sisters. There's this thing about sibs, you know, your parents are supposed to leave the world before you, your spouse might well leave in a number of ways, but your sibs are there for you for life. We used to joke, Beth and I, about the vacations we'd take and things we'd do when we were old women on our own. I have one sister now and as much as I love her and as hard as we both try, we kind of get along best with most of North America in between us. So the world feels a lot lonelier, a lot less fun without her.

Music for this day:
Home -- Jenny Bruce
Seven Years -- Norah Jones
Another Day -- James Taylor
Mountaintop -- Toshi Reagon

Beth's memory is my constant companion. I just wish she could talk to me, enjoy our children, laugh.


Anonymous said...

I just got to work and turned my calendar to May 9. I thought today is something, and then with a pang to my heart I remembered it was our Bethy's birthday. Then I read your blog and start crying at my desk. She was a wonderful girl and a more wonderful woman. Our hearts will miss her forever.
LYFE Nonna March

Anonymous said...

"Perhaps they are not stars in the sky,
but rather openings where our loved ones
shine down to let us know
they are happy."
(from an old Eskimo legend) -joe-

Kathy said...

could be, Joe. I think Beth is greatly relieved to be finished with this life...thanks.

Have you been kissed lately?